(Typewriter keys clicking)
Shit.
Fell off the chair. (Chuckles)
I wasn't, uh...
I know you're wearing a skirt, but I didn't see anything.
Mostly trousers these days.
Yeah, I prefer skirts. Healthier, isn't it?
I imagine. (Chuckles)
Allows the air to, uh, circulate around the...
(Sighs) ..vagina!
We're ready for you, Mr Garden.
Yes, yes.
We've had a letter of complaint
stating that you are a "negative and destructive influence
"on the smooth running of the Blackpool Probation Office."
I think whoever wrote that letter, it's Just a clash of personalities.
It's signed by everyone in your office.
Right, yeah, well, I mean, that's what I mean.
It's a clash between... me and them.
"A negative and destructive influence," Mr Garden.
Are they right?
Well, if you think that remembering a client's first name
is less important than claiming generous expenses,
then, yes, they're right.
If it's best for a client who's Just left prison for the 14th time
to be passed on to yet another department,
then, yes, they're right.
But I've seen over 1,000 clients and I believe every single one...
Of these 1,000, how many are now going straight?
Three.
Simon Garden was an inspiration.
My first day out, he gave me a blank sheet of paper
and he said, "That's your future.
"You can write and apply for a Job or you can wipe your arse on it."
And I said, "I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty."
Before I met Simon, I was thievin' and hitting people.
But now...
I'm a fishmonger.
It's another string to me bow.
12 months ago, I was in prison.
Now I'm a sub-service support network supervisor
providing PC, Mac and mainframe infrastructure
with online E-task back-up.
Not many people can say that.
Do you have anything to add regarding Mr Garden?
He is annoying.
- It's true. - He is annoying.
We talked to your clients, Mr Garden.
They're good people. I used to say,
"You're halfway up a mountain. Crime is the easy path to the bottom.
"Responsibility is the hard path to the top.
"But when you get there, it's a great view.
- "Cos in every sinner..." - (Woman) Thank you.
There's a vacancy in Manchester.
I'll take it.
# Dreamer
# You know you are a dreamer
# Well, can you put your hands in your head, oh, no
# I said dreamer
# You're nothing but a dreamer
# So can you put your hand in your head, oh, no
- # I said far out...# - Wanker.
# What a day, a year, a laugh it is
- # You know... # - (Dog whimpering)
# Well, you know you had it coming to you... #
- (Snarls, barks) - # Now there's not a lot I can do
# Dreamer
# You stupid little dreamer
# So now you put your head in your hands, oh, no #
- (Honking) - Hey! Slow down! Idiot!
(Tyres screeching)
(Revs engine)
(Tyres squealing)
(Officer) 'Pull over, driver! Pull over!'
(Tyres squealing)
(Electronic mewing)
(Siren approaching)
Get away from there!
(Girl groaning)
You Just saved that girl's life.
DI Burton, City Police.
Oh, right...sir.
(Door opening)
- Oh, hello. You must be Kirsty. - Yeah.
You all right? Got a bit of a...
- Oh, uh, I-I fell. - Right.
Now... "Car theft, car theft, ram-raiding,
"arson, car theft, car theft and car theft."
Expelled from St John Fisher's, Hogarth, Glenbrook Junior.
Not expelled from St Thomas Moore. Why's that?
It burnt down.
Ah, yes. Hence the arson. Yeah, all starting to make sense now.
Ugh.
You could hang your hat on that. (Chuckles)
Oh, huh, he is.
- Give that to me. - (Knock at door)
We'll come back to this.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Big Dipper. - Oh, uh...
- You're interviewing Kirsty Clark? - Yes.
(Scuffling)
Kirsty! Kirsty!
(Simon) I've got you! (Kirsty) Get off me!
- Ah! - There she is.
(Burton) Come on, Kirsty.
You've admitted to taking the car.
Admit to possession of drugs and we'll drop the other charges -
reckless driving, resisting arrest, arson.
We'll call it a day, I'll take us down the pub, buy us a pint of lager.
And half a shandy, if no one's looking, for Mr Garden.
All protesters charged today can collect their bikes...
- Inspector Burton? - Hello, Simon.
I know she stole the car,
but she says she knew nothing about the drugs and I believe her.
You're new here, aren't you?
She did have class A drugs on her person.
- (Mewing) - She said the drugs were...
- (Kirsty) 'In a koala bear.' - Were what?
- ..not hers. - Listen.
We got muggers and rapists to catch.
We can't stand around, we're not probation officers. No offence.
Cheerio, Simon.
There's something I forgot to ask Inspector Burton.
He'll be at 44 Faulkner Street. Gets a lot of information there.
Oh, you know that gay porn magazine? Wasn't mine.
I've nothing against gays.
It's Just that, er... I am not gay!
- Right. - So, uh, given that,
um, how would you like to have... dinner with me one night?
- OK. - Oh, good!
See you later.
- Ah! - (Deep voice) We'll meet again.
Yes, very scary.
Right. Occupation?
(Normal voice) Student.
(# 10 Cents: "Bubble Bath")
Ow!
(Music continues, muffled)
(Man) The accountants run football these days.
See, they tell the managers who they can and cannot buy.
(Chuckles) Come to think of it, we're running everything these days.
Accountants are running the world.
Still, that ain't bad for business, is it?
That's why Man U are winning everything. It's down to money.
- Where's Cochran? - Polishing his shoes.
(Whistling)
- Here's your girlfriend. - (Electronic mewing)
- What about my Porsche? - You're insured for fire and theft.
Got something for me?
- (Soft thud) - (Burton) Lovely.
- Why the bonus? - Golden handshake.
Market's flooded with class A. Gram of coke's 40 quid.
Just not worth the risk, is it? So we're goin' legit.
Yeah, well, Just one problem with that as far as I can see. Me.
And me. That's, uh, two problems.
- We can't push our luck. - It's not luck. I've been busy.
I've Just nailed some tart to cover his arse. It's a good scam, Paul.
(Accountant) You'll get a pension.
Look at Al Pacino. You're Just a dwarf with a calculator.
Yeah, I got a calculator, which is useful.
Cos I can account for every bill, receipt and cheque in boring detail.
The taxman's always welcome at my house.
If he was tipped off about you...
Let's see. "He's a copper, so he earns this much.
"Bugger all. And he spends this much.
"It doesn't make sense, unless he's on the take."
(Gasping)
What the bloody hell you doin'?
- (Gagging) - Boss.
- (Crunches) - (Gasping)
(Moaning)
- Still thinking of going legit? - No, Just changed me mind.
- You've killed him. - (Burton) What?
- (Door opens) - What?
- Some more crisps. - (Coughing)
- (Paul) Who's that?
(Simon) Coming out.
- Who are you? - Please don't shoot.
- Are those my crisps? - I'm hypoglycaemic.
Th-The opposite of, er, diabetes.
I overproduce insulin, my sugar levels crash,
I get lethargic and I need regular carbohydrate snacks.
What are you doing here?
I really don't know.
Oh, look, he's alive!
Get him!
There he is!
Uh, right, listen. Could I Just say something?
If you attack me, I will go to the police.
It'll be reported. You'll have a criminal record.
You've got one. OK.
In my wallet, I've got...£40! That's 20 each.
Plus a cash card.
It's got a £200 limit, of which I've withdrawn 40.
You've got that. Now, the PIN number. It's the Battle of Hastings.
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, that really hurt! Oh, oh...
- Oh, bloody shit! - Bloody hell!
(Paul) Where is he?
- Oh, Gordon Bennett! - (Burton laughs)
I dunno. No sign of him.
(Man on radio) 'Good morning, Manchester. It's 8:00.
'A man out walking his dog made a gruesome discovery
'when he came across a headless corpse on the Stockport Canal.
'Police urgently seek the owner of a wallet found near the body...'
Hello, my name is Simon Garden. I'd like to report a murder.
Erm... I know I look a mess. I, uh... I slept rough last night.
I got punched in the face by a man with a stick.
Fell off a roof into a canal.
Actually got a condom stuck on my finger.
(Chuckling) Eugh.
I'm not a lunatic. I'm a probation officer.
Um... I know, same thing.
But, no, this is murder and I'd like to speak to a senior officer, please.
Certainly, sir.
- Good. - (Footsteps approaching)
- Oh. - Hello, Simon.
Hello.
I reckon we should, you know, rub him out.
We can't rub people out. We're police officers.
Aye, of course.
- What about the accountant? - That was unfortunate.
Are you Just gonna let him go?
For the time being. He's a very scared boy.
He'll probably go back to do-gooding in Toy Town.
If he does talk, we'll pay him a visit.
He'll find a kilo of Colombia's finest and a head in his fridge.
Let's look at the facts.
I'm in charge of the investigation. Your wallet's found near the body.
You're..."helping police with their enquiries".
(Chuckling) You're in a lot of trouble.
But hang on. I think I can help you.
If you keep your mouth shut, the murderer may never be found.
- You can't intimidate me. - Let me give it a shot.
If you open your mouth...
I won't lay a finger on you, but you'll go to prison.
And when those nonces and perverts get hold of a clever boy like you,
and I'll make sure they do,
they're gonna be queuing up round the block.
You're gonna end up with an arsehole like a clown's pocket.
That was pretty good.
- Do you like Thai food? - Why?
I thought you'd like to celebrate that you're no longer a suspect.
I can't. I'm leaving. I'm not really up to the Job here,
so I thought I'd go back to my old one.
- If they'll have me. - Well, what about a goodbye dinner?
It's probably best if I Just go.
I was going with a bunch of mates. I thought you might Join us.
That's all. Don't worry. You won't be missed.
Listen. It's been really, really nice working with you.
Good luck with your career. You'll go from strength to strength.
Ditto.
# I ain't got no home, ain't go no shoes
# Ain't go no money, ain't got no class
# Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
# Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no bed... #
- See ya. - # Ain't got no mind... #
Bye.
# Ain't got no mother
# Ain't got no culture
- # Ain't got no friends... # - "Ditto."
- # Ain't got no love... # - "Ditto."
# Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
# Ain't got no God #
(Burton) 'You're gonna end up with an arsehole like a clown's pocket.'
Ahhh!
(Sighs)
(Woman On TV) 'Inspector, four days ago
'you rescued a 15-year-old girl from a burning car.
'What's it like to be a hero?'
(Burton) 'I was Just doing my Job,
'and any other officer would have done the same as me.
'If this thing helps people see through the uniform, that's great.'
'You're to receive this year's Police Federation bravery medal.
'Looking forward to the Town Hall awards ceremony next week?'
'Yes, very much, but I'll still be working. Business as usual.
'Criminals don't take days off, you know.'
(Burton laughing)
(Laughing continues)
(Tyres squealing)
(Conversation inaudible over music)
(Indistinct chattering)
Five, please.
Six.
- Oh. Sex. - Ah, sex!
(Murmuring, chuckling)
(Businessmen gasping)
(Woman) Bill, have we got any more of that sake?
Ah. Bill. Where's Tuesday's tape?
- It should be there. - I've Just given it to the boss.
Right. William. Do me a favour. Could you hold this?
Stay there Just one second.
Where's that sake?
Bill's Just getting it. Where'd the boss go?
To put something in his safety deposit box.
- Thank you. - Hang on. Who are you?
John. John Jones.
JJ.
(Wolf whistle)
- Can I help you? - You're nicked.
What? I... Oh, my God! Emma, it's you!
- So I thought you were leaving town. - Uh, no, I-I changed my mind.
You look absolutely gorgeous.
- I'm a prostitute. - Right.
Why? Don't the police pay you enough?
No, I'm undercover.
Very convincing. Yeah. You fooled me.
- We can't really talk here. - Why?
Miami Vice.
(Emma) Do you want a coffee? (Simon) Yes.
Why were you staring at that bank?
Um, I'm thinking of robbing it.
- Simon! - Hello, George.
Come in, come in.
Anyone fallen off the roller coaster recently?
No. (Chuckles) I inspect it every day.
Don't worry about me, Simon.
I will never go back to a life of crime,
and it's all down to you.
So, if you ever want a favour, all you have to do is ask.
Well, I'm glad you say that.
Because I would like you to help me...
Yes?
..rob a bank.
This is a test, isn't it? (Chuckles)
No, no. No, this is technically not a crime.
We're not taking money. Just a videotape of a murder.
George, it was horrific. I saw a man strangle a human being.
Well, an accountant.
No, you can't tempt me.
- The murderer is a police officer... - No.
- ..in charge of the... - No!
This is not role play. I can't go to the police. I've been framed!
I've no one else to turn to.
Look, you always said crime is the easy path to the bottom.
And now you want me to rob a bank?
It's like asking a reformed drug addict to have one last hit.
(Simon moaning)
(All screaming)
(Simon moaning)
(Moaning continues)
What do you think about what I Just said?
(Vomiting)
- (Shrieking) - Oh. That makes sense.
(Simon) I shouldn't have had that curry. But I'm all right now.
(Moaning)
(Screaming)
(Screaming, groaning)
- (Girl coughing) - Sorry!
Let me off! Let me off!
(Groaning)
(Man) Hang on! But you used to say,
"You're halfway up a mountain. Crime's the easy path down.
- "Responsibility..." - "Get there, it's a great view."
Yeah. Well, don't that make you a hypocrite?
In these circumstances, no.
Oh, look, Simon, it's not that I don't want to help you.
It's Just, erm...
It's me mum. She's got crippling arthritis. She can hardly move.
You know, I've got the shop, I've got her and, you know,
a couple of chairs have been kicked over in the attic.
She don't know why there's fish everywhere.
Otherwise I'd be in that car with you now.
Hey, Rambo! Them hake in there want guttin'.
I could've fried 'em, ate 'em, and shat 'em out by now.
Give it your mum.
You big girl.
I was such an idiot. But now I'm not an idiot.
I'm a computer salesman, thanks to you.
The beauty is they sell themselves.
All I do is provide a service support network for a small fee,
which keeps the customers happy, and me.
I'm very happy. I'm very happy.
(Computer salesman) Oh, that was a shite Job. I hated it. Ah!
We're all in. Manchester, here we come.
Not quite. There's one more.
Victor?
- Who's Victor? - There was a story
that Victor once stole the Crown Jewels
and then put them back without anyone noticing.
- How do you know if no one saw it? - I read it in News of the World.
Yep, that's were I read it.
He's a master of disguise.
(Simon) Yep. Sometimes even I don't recognise him.
- Victor? - I'm Victor's wife.
After he worked with you, he tried to give up his life of crime
by channelling his interests into amateur dramatics.
But one night he sneaked off to do the safe
at Jackson's food processing plant.
Two days later, a machine was playing up.
They reckon he must have fallen into the mincer.
By that stage, the orders had already gone out.
They tried to recall them,
but all they got back was half a dozen pies and a couple of pasties.
And is that what's...
Yes.
What a waste.
- Er, of human life. - (George) Hm.
He was very fond of you -
he had some tools I'm sure he would've wanted you to have.
Thanks. I don't think we've got a lawnmower.
Sorry.
I'm afraid he was a bit of a hoarder.
- Wow, a DTI. - A what?
(George) Digital transmission imager.
- Oh, check this out. - Don't shoot.
(George) It's a fisheye lens. (Chuckling)
(George) Victor obviously had a sense of humour.
(Computer salesman) There's masses of it.
- What's this? - A flask.
- For? - Tea, coffee, hot Bovril.
We'll take it.
Welcome to my humble abode.
There's Just one rule. Do you mind popping your shoes off?
It's a new carpet and...you know.
Apart from that, make yourselves at home.
Sleeping arrangements.
- I have a spare bedroom... - Thank you very much.
- Sofa bed... - Mine.
- Inflatable mattress... - Bags that!
- Good. Food. Who's hungry? - (All) Yeah.
We got hummus, taramasalata, uh, couscous,
tabouleh, stuffed olives, cheese.
- Where's the cheese? - In the fridge.
- Have you got any bread? - Uh, focaccia.
Is that sliced?
Well, it's, uh, prêt á manger.
- No, it's not sliced. - Right.
OK, the bank. Top view.
Side road here. Front door. Uh, three windows.
Stairs to the left and a door at the back,
which I think leads to the vault.
So, pretty basic. But...
What's stopping us getting into the vault to get the tape?
That's not important.
The doors are bomb-proof, the windows are toughened glass,
- there's no adJoining building. - CCTV outside and inside.
Dual-circuit alarm on the doors. Heat and motion in every room.
Electronically linked, via a control centre, to the police.
And there's the vault - surrounded by concrete three feet thick.
A big two-tonne door.
A combination lock changed weekly and a preset time lock.
Which can only be changed from the inside.
(Thunder rumbling)
Some fresh coffee?
(George) You isolate the power supply to the system and cut it off!
It's not an integrated circuit. You got back-up systems.
If you go near the power, you'll trigger the alarm.
Discreet transistor crap - that's last year's old news!
- Blow it up, get the money and go. - Shut up!
- You mean the tape, not the money. - Oh, yeah.
Blondie, if you want to pick holes, be my guest.
- But I don't hear a better idea. - It's last year's old news!
If you don't have anything to say, shut up!
Tell him to stop saying "It is last year's old news"!
- It is annoying. - He acts like a council official.
I am a council official!
Colin, what is today's news?
- A TSMISP. - Tsimps?
A target-specific multi-invasive subversion program.
He means a computer virus. He's taking the piss!
- You want me to hit him? - Just try it, fishface.
(All shouting)
Ow! That really hurt!
Now, listen, I'm very grateful you've all agreed to help me rob a bank.
But this is not a competition. We have to act as a team.
Now, we're all very different people, and that's a good thing.
Jeff here likes Oasis.
Colin likes...
- What do you like? - Hardcore Belgian trance.
Great! George likes The Beach Boys.
He likes them. I'm a bit of a Deep Purple nut.
Uh, Smoke on the Water?
Actually the result of a Jamming session in Montreux.
Casino was on fire, they saw the smoke...
Anyway, the point is...
- We should get on with it. - Exactly.
Now, Colin, what is a TSMISP?
And would telling us about it be a waste of our time?
It locates all the alarm systems at the control centre.
- Would that target our bank alarm? - It can't. It attacks all of them.
(George) That won't shut the systems down.
You're more likely to set off every bank alarm in the city.
Colin, have an extra slice of toast.
I think we deserve the morning off.
(Clears throat) Emma?
- Hi, Simon. - Oh, hi.
I was told to come up here by, uh...
- My flatmate. - Right.
- Just have a seat. - Yeah, sure.
- I'm in the shower. - OK.
- What are you doing this afternoon? - Nothing.
Now, no pressure, but, uh, my Uncle Bernard
is part owner of a...
really cool narrow boat on the Rochdale Canal.
(Miaowing)
And, uh, as luck would have it,
today's one of his days,
but, uh, he's unwell.
Uh, he's got a problem with his...
body.
But, uh, it's really nice inside.
It's, uh, warm and comfortable...
and lovely.
(Cat miaows)
Anyway, you've... you've got a lovely little, uh...
cat.
(Cat miaows)
- So, what do you think? - About what?
You know, uh, you, me...
narrow boat,
canal.
Unless you've got a better idea.
(Simon) That is Just showing off. (Emma) It's a fertility symbol.
If you touch it, it increases your sexual potency.
- Right. - Go on.
- What? - Touch it.
No.
Are you afraid to touch a penis?
You're talking to a guy who's going blind.
Go on. Touch it.
I'm Just going to the, uh...
Don't forget to wash your hands.
Good afternoon.
- It's not what you think. - Oh!
It's wood.
Hmm!
Please. Please. Could you please do something about that man over there?
Emma! Emma, help!
Come out, please, sir. I know you're in there.
(Simon) I will be out in a minute.
Man in ladies' toilet. Assistance required. Suspected flasher.
(Woman) 'Roger, Maggie.' (Simon) I am not a flasher.
Could you come out, please, sir? You shouldn't be in the ladies'.
(Simon) I've got an upset stomach.
(Extended farting)
(Plopping, water splashing)
(Deep sigh)
Right, where's the perv?
- Get out now! Dirty bastard. - (Simon) Hang on. I'm nearly done.
No, that's it.
(Toilet flushing)
Sorry. Bit of an emergency. Now, what's the problem?
You've been reported for indecent behaviour.
- He had a lump in his trousers. - Yes, I had several.
I shat myself.
Now, where's the nearest Marks and Spencer's?
Straight down the high street, the first on the left.
Thank you very much.
- It came off in my hand. - Don't worry.
It's happened to me a few times.
(Jeff) Like Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Colin) Where?
(Jeff) Roller disco, Oldham. He had a big knife.
(George) You knocked him out with one punch.
I've told you this before?
All your stories end with you knocking someone out with one punch.
Got some knives and forks.
Yeah. Let's use our fingers. What the heck.
- I've been thinkin'. - Go on.
Try going through a window, it's too visible.
But get on the roof, you're concealed. It buys you time.
(Colin) How we gonna get in?
I'm coming to that. There's a fire door.
- Which only opens from the inside. - (Jeff) Hang on!
There's like an air vent thing there, right?
I can go through there, go around, open the fire door,
- let you all in. - Brilliant.
The aperture to the air conditioning unit you are referring to
is 14 inches square.
- Brilliant but flawed. - I could get in. Go on a diet.
- You won't want that, then. - Never touch my food.
(Simon) Whoa! Jeff, Colin, calm down.
It was a good idea. It's Just...
(Floorboards creaking)
(Colin gasps)
(Simon) I'd rather you didn't argue.
Jeff's got a lot on his plate at the moment.
I know, but he really makes me angry, er...cos he talks rubbish sometimes.
But if I have upset him, I'm sorry.
That's very big of you to say so, Colin.
George, anything to add to that?
Huh? What? Erm... Erm...
(Stammering) No.
(Simon) Jeff, you're very quiet...
(Jeff yells)
Kirsty! What the hell are you doing here?
I thought I'd rob you.
- What you're doing is illegal. - So is robbing a bank.
How do you know we're robbing a bank?
It's written on your notice board.
(Sighs) Right, Kirsty.
If you forget about this, I'll forget about you robbing my house.
That's not equal. You're robbing a bank.
- W-What do you want? - To Join your gang and rob a bank.
- We're not stealin' money. Right? - Yes.
- Please? - You're too young.
I could drive the getaway car. I've stolen 44 cars.
And been caught 44 times. We don't need you, Kirsty. I'm sorry.
Right. Where were we?
Jeff had the wizard idea of gaining entry through an air duct
and I pointed out that none of us could fit through it.
(Kirsty) I could.
(Electrical sparking)
(Inaudible over music)
Ladybird to Praying Mantra.
Ladybird, receiving you.
I'm a mile away and I can still hear you.
OK, now try five miles away. Over.
Even if we can break in, what do we do about the getaway?
I've got an idea about that.
(Indistinct)
Now, on Friday, stay away from the target area until rush hour.
- Any questions? - Why is the protest on a weekday?
- For maximum disruption. - Bollocks!
If we had it on a Sunday at 12 noon, outside the West Clyde Bank,
there'd be a bigger turnout.
- Yeah, some of us have to work. - Yeah!
- The city's empty on a Sunday! - We'll reclaim the streets.
- For the kids! - Friday, 5:00. It's been decided.
- Who decided? - The committee.
- Bollocks! - Some democratic organisation!
- Yeah! Yeah! - It is.
The elected committee votes and we abide by the committee's decision.
- Bollocks! - Gonna let him push us around?
- Tell him we're not sheep. - We're not sheep!
- Tell him to put it to a vote. - Put it to a vote!
- A good idea! - (All agreeing)
All right. All those who want the protest
- on Sunday at noon... - Outside the West Clyde Bank.
..outside the West Clyde Bank, raise their hands.
(Cheering)
(Whooping) Yes!
Hurry up!
Oh, God.
It's not a bloody marathon!
If they realise they've loaded a virus, won't they tell everyone?
Would you tell anyone if you'd been looking at this?
Yeah, but it's boring, isn't it? Just variations on a...
(Chirping)
I've not seen that before.
Any, uh, movement on the murder investigation?
You mean the headless accountant? No, bit of a dead end, that.
- That probation officer? - He's well out of the picture.
- Let's not talk shop, eh? - I'd better be off.
- One for the road. - No, thanks.
It's an order. Vodka chaser.
(# Stereo plays Marvin Gaye: "Let's Get It On")
So, how's your love life at the moment?
- No time for anything, really. - Tsk! Know what you mean.
Oh!
- Trying to get me drunk, Inspector? - Yep.
I don't believe in in-house romance.
Who said anything about romance?
Stick to what you're best at.
(Whirrs and honks)
What is it?
- It's a GOTLER. - A what?
A George-operated time-lock-equalising robot.
- This is telescopic? - Similar. It's hydraulic.
And once inside the vault,
this emits an electromagnetic pulse at the LED displays,
causing the clocks to synchronise at zero, deactivating the time lock.
- How'd you know that? - I heard you phone your mother.
Yeah, yeah. She likes to know what I'm up to.
Now, with the time lock, it's a simple matter for the GOTLER...
Oh! I told you. It's top-heavy.
- It's only a small modification. - It needs a redesign.
- If that goes, we all go to Jail. - It won't.
How we gonna get the bank to let us put that in the vault?
(Man) And, uh, what did you say was inside it?
£10,000 in coins, notes and cheques. Hopefully.
- This buys beds for the children? - And a couple of wheelchairs.
- They're disabled? - Challenged.
- Of course. - And blind.
- Are they? - Uh, some of them.
Right, uh...
Well, unfortunately, we can't allow items like this into the vault.
We might make an exception for a valuable painting or a sculpture.
- Excuse me. Can I shake your hand? - Yes.
- (George) It's Dr Moroe. - Monroe.
Oh, yes, of course. Can I say thank you?
Thank you. Thank you for all you've done for the children at St Simon's.
To see the smiles when they wore shoes for the first time!
Heartbreaking. Do you know what they call him at the children's home?
- No. - Dad!
God bless. I'm sorry.
Uh, d-do you have children of your own?
Uh, yes, yes, I have.
They're, uh... They're precious, aren't they?
(Bank manager sighs) Yes.
Right. You wait here while I go and open the big door.
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
God, it's a massive door. You must be very strong.
Um, I'm afraid I am going to have to ask you to stand over there.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
One, seven, eight, nine...
- What's wrong? - Rewind it. Let's see it again.
(George) Oh, crumbs!
- Whose idea was this? - Simon's.
- He moved his bum in the way! - People do move their bums.
- Why didn't she move the pig? - Piss off!
- Language. - It's not Kirsty's fault.
Why are we helping a man in corduroys?
- He helped you. - That was his Job. He was paid.
We need a solution, not a whinging, surfing lemonhead.
- Lemon knobhead. - Yeah!
No. We don't need a curly-headed wanker trying to be Captain Kirk.
At least he got things done.
Imagine you looking for Spock in Star Trek IV.
"I'm sorry. We couldn't find him."
(Simon) What?
That was Star Trek III. It was called The Search For Spock.
One, seven, eight, nine... three, five, 20!
It's written on the back of his bloody hand!
(All laughing, shouting)
(Doorbell)
- Hi. - Hi.
Um...
Um... Uh, come in.
Uh, everyone, this is Emma.
She's a friend of mine and a police constable.
(All) Oh.
- Off-duty. - This is my cousin, Colin.
- Hi. - Hi.
- That's Cousin Jeff. - Hi.
- This is my...Uncle George.
- H-Hi. - Hi.
- And this is... - I know you, you're, um...
His daughter.
- Hi. - Hi.
Uh, can I, um... Excuse me.
- They're not your family, are they? - No.
- She's the Joyrider. - Yes.
- They're ex-clients. - Why are they in your living room?
Well, they are... part of a voluntary self-help group.
We meet regularly and what I encourage them to do
is not concentrate on their own problems but look at other people's.
That's beneficial for two reasons.
One, they're less isolated, more able to focus,
and two, I really like your knees.
- (Laughing) - And your eyes.
I mean, I like everything. Um... But I-I really like your knees.
- Is that what you saw in the mirror? - Your knees? No.
I mean, yes, Just your knees. I probably didn't even see those.
(Knocking, thumping)
- No, no. No, we can't. Not here. - Yeah, right.
- (Simon) Ah! - (Snickering)
What are you planning?
Um, would you like me to tell you or would you like me to be spontaneous?
Simon, what are you up to?
I can explain.
DI Burton murdered Trevor Deacon.
- What are you talking about? - I saw him do it.
- I was eating crisps behind boxes... - Why didn't you tell me before?
Burton would have framed me. I'd be in prison.
I'd be buggered. Daily.
- And what's all this for? - I can't tell you.
- You're a police officer. - (Scoffs)
I thought I was your friend.
(Door opens, slams shut)
You know Trevor Deacon's effects? Who checked them?
DI Burton did it personally. Why?
It's OK.
- Sir, can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
The murder victim, Trevor Deacon.
- Did you know him? - No.
Then why is your number in his mobile phone?
Do you think I murdered him?
- I didn't say that. - Then who did?
(Colin) To tomorrow.
To the most audacious crime of the century.
He means your haircut.
To, uh... To having friends.
Yes... Thank you.
(All) To friends.
(Doorbell)
Search warrant.
(Officer) Got a locked cupboard here, sir.
Looks like some kind of hatch in the ceiling.
Of course, prison food is processed,
but you get used to it after about 10 years -
the going rate for murdering an accountant.
Except I didn't murder him. You did.
Yeah, but I've got an alibi. You haven't.
If you're gonna frame me for murder, you should have more evidence.
Boss, I think you'll want to see this.
Nice material with a young girl in the house.
WPC Walsh, kindly escort the minor from the room.
You do know she's under 16, don't you?
Of course you do. She was in your care. They're lovely at that age.
- You're horrible. - He's right.
I'm so horrible they're giving me a bravery award tomorrow.
(Burton) Funny old world, isn't it?
(Kirsty gasps)
(Breathing heavily)
(Dog barking)
- Bad dog! - (Whimpering)
(Snarling)
Drop it!
(Snarling)
Drop it!
Let go of it!
Let go, you horrid dog. Let go!
(Yelping)
(Glass breaking, cat screeching)
(Officer) Better have a look in the garden.
(Burton) You know, I don't think we checked the kitchen.
Mr Garden, would you mind opening your fridge?
What's in the pot?
(Kirsty coughing)
Boiled head.
(Siren passes)
(Clanking, door unlocking)
- Your solicitor's been delayed. - All right. I'll wait.
Can I explain? Do you really think I was boiling a head?
- You've been lying to me. - Give me ten seconds.
I can prove Burton killed Deacon. It was recorded by security camera.
The tape is in a bank vault.
I've got to get out to the bank to get the tape to clear my name.
That was 12 seconds.
(Door locking)
(Woman on police radio, indistinct)
- Can I get a magazine? - Come on. Be quick.
(# Pop music on PA)
# We're going shopping... #
(Music continues, indistinct)
- (Alarm) - It's that woman there!
- Can I see your handbag, madam? - What's this?
I didn't buy anything. I Just paid for me petrol, that's all.
(Sighs)
(Clicks tongue) Burton'll get his award in three hours.
- Pardon? - Just saying...
(Clicks tongue) Burton'll get his award at Town Hall.
Why are you telling me that?
You think the guard'll give us champagne so we can toast him?
Good idea. I could smash him over the head with it.
- He's being sarcastic. - Just saying... (Clicks tongue)
Would've been great seeing Burton's face.
It would've been great if Adolf (Clicks tongue) Hitler
had opened a vegetarian restaurant instead of forming the Third Reich.
- But it didn't happen. - Don't like vegetarians.
(Car engine revving)
(Slams into wall)
(Motor revs, accelerates)
"It's get Kirsty in"!
- "It's Kirsty, get in!" - Quick!
- Hurry! - (George) Get in!
(Jeff) Wow! She's got all the gear!
(All laughing)
(Simon) I didn't know we owned a van.
I nicked it. Didn't think you'd mind this time.
I know it's my fault you're in this mess.
No, it's mine.
It's partly yours.
Run it.
(Simon) OK, let's do it!
(Photographer) Quick photo, Inspector Burton?
Ladybird to Praying Mantra. Are you receiving me?
It's Praying Mantis.
- Praying Mantra? - (Jeff) 'Praying Mantra receiving.'
Coast is clear. Just two old dears waitin' for a bus. Over.
(Woman) No. It'll back up and repeat on me.
- Anyway, she had a lemon sponge. - I love a lemon sponge.
(Whimpers)
- Oh, God, I can't stand heights. - OK, you can let go now.
OK. Colin's computer program will activate the alarm
in T minus 15 seconds.
Everyone ready?
Good, good. Ten seconds.
I'll count down. Five...
four, three,
two, one.
Um...
(Single alarm)
(Many alarms overlapping)
(George) Well done, Colin.
(Alarms continue)
(Beeping)
- (Simon) Think thin, Kirsty. - That's easy for you to say.
- Excuse me. - See you on stage.
What are those sirens?
They're going off all over. Computer problems.
(Police radio) '..four males escaped from Gladstone Street Station.'
- Call Mills, check what's going on. - OK, boss.
Come on.
(Alarms continue)
(Grunting)
(Electronic whirring)
- Can I help? - Yeah. Catch.
- What do I do with this? - Make George a cup of tea.
- Oh. - One sugar.
(Whirring)
Excuse me, Officer. You do know the alarm's going off?
All right, madam, it's sorted.
(Horn honking, siren wailing)
How do you know which box the video's in?
- (Colin) 1962. - The year The Beach Boys formed.
- Who are The Beach Boys? - You won't like them.
You can hear the words.
He said if she doesn't eat anything, then come what may, she'll die.
Well, it wasn't her usual doctor and he did have a beard.
Her doctor's in Spain, gallivanting. All right for some, isn't it?
What the fuck are you on about?
(Siren continues)
(Simon) Oh, look! A statue of the Greek goddess Athena.
(Simon) Let's hope she's on our side.
- Not fallen over, has it? - Yes.
- I did insist on a redesign. - I have to say, he did.
- Right. So, I mean, what? Are we... - We're knackered. We're knackered!
Unless, of course, Kirsty presses this red button.
(Beeping)
(Siren)
These two were really worried.
Praying Mantra to Ladybird. Are you receiving me? Over.
- (Man on radio) 'Mustafa? Mustafa?' - Come in, Ladybird.
- He was very rude. - And he used the F-word.
(Radio) '..Sally and Jennifer outside chip shop on Broadcroft Road.'
(Women chattering)
I don't know what it's coming to nowadays.
God. He's seen the wire. Ladybird! Grasshopper!
(Honking, siren continues)
(Camera whirring)
Bingo. Time locks off.
(Alarms continue)
- 'Ladybird!' - Come in.
'The police are here. Five minutes at the most!'
- Five minutes?! - Crikey.
Stay focused. Right. Access code. Anyone write it down?
Just testing.
(Beeping)
- It says "code invalid." - (Nervous chuckle)
(Beeping)
- Could they have changed the code? - Yeah, or a there's a backup system.
Hands up anyone here who's robbed a bank before?
George, what were you in for?
I'm a serial bigamist.
George, Just isolate the problem.
- I Just like weddings. - Not that problem. This problem.
I'll isolate it. We can't get through this door,
and coppers will come through that one!
- So what are we gonna do? - (Man) Nothing.
Victor!
So long as the alarm is active, the door won't open.
I thought you might need a bit of help.
(Crowd chanting)
A couple more minutes and I'll have it cracked.
- (Who is he?) - (The greatest criminal mind...)
Sh-sh-shh.
(Alarm stops)
Now, try again.
But that means they're in the building.
I always find on these occasions that it helps to be quick.
(Keypad beeping)
(Pressurised lock releasing)
- I thought you were dead. - Just resting.
- Saw your grave. - Your wife said they buried...
(Both) ..six pies and a couple of pasties.
"What a waste."
Well, that wasn't too difficult. What are you doing?
I'm opening a deposit box belonging to a DI Burton.
- We got what we came for. - No harm having a look.
Where's Victor?
It seems to be all clear, Sarge.
- We'd better check the vaults. - I'll go.
Reed, you go with her.
- Oh, wow. - (Kirsty) Wow!
- There's more in here. - It's not our money.
- It's not his either. - This money is from drugs.
The government will spend it on weapons of mass destruction.
Right now, you are halfway up a mountain.
Crime is the easy path to the bottom.
- We're robbin' a bank! - Technically, yes...
Let's Just take it and if we change our minds send it back?
- That's a good compromise. - It's not a compromise!
- You're taking the money! - "Technically, yes."
(Snickering)
Sarge, lift stopped. Sarge, can you hear me?
- Power cut? - No, it's Victor.
- Oh, I've got to go back. - Never go back.
- I left the tape. - In that case, go back.
(Officer) Seal the building and search all the rooms.
(Police radio, indistinct)
(Thud)
(Fly buzzing)
- Sarge? - What?
- Fancy having a drink sometime? - How about tomorrow night?
- Can't tomorrow night. I'm busy. - Well, next week, then.
I can't. I'm busy.
Actually, I've changed me mind. Women.
- (Man) This is only the beginning! - (Crowd cheering)
(Speaker continues)
I think we have done the Job.
(Crowd cheers)
OK. One of us should Jump first to be sure it's OK.
The other'll make sure she doesn't panic when she Jumps.
Right. Oh, my God!
George, I'm perfectly happy to go first if you're a bit worried.
- Well, I am a bit worried. - No. No, you'll be fine.
Just step off. Let gravity do the work.
Jeff's at the bottom. I'm right behind you.
- Thanks, buddy. - Piece of cake.
(Soft thud)
(Jeff shouting) Come on, Colin!
(Knocking at door, Colin gasping)
(Officer) We need a key to this door!
(Screaming)
(Panting)
Piece of cake.
Where's Simon?
(George) 'Crikey. He'll be needing some crisps.'
(Wasp buzzing, Simon snorting)
(Sniffing)
(Grunting)
(Nasal whine)
(Sneezes)
(Wasp buzzing,
(Swallowing)
(Simon gasps)
(Panting)
- Toughened glass. - It's a bank.
Go.
Sorry, Sarge.
(Crowd cheering)
(Speaker) In the days to come,
we will make it impossible for the car to enter Manchester!
(Crowd cheering)
(Speaker) The bicycle will be the symbol of a new world order!
(Crowd cheering)
(Speaker continues, indistinct)
(Woman) Oi!
(Cheering continues)
(Woman) Hey, watch it!
(Cheering)
(Bicycle bell)
(Driver) Come on, you bastards! (2nd driver) Move off the road!
(Cars honking)
Tosser!
(Colin) We did it!
(Jeff) We've got the money. Let's go!
Do what you like!
I'm taking the tape to get Burton.
(Distant applause)
- Hello. - Oh, hello.
- What's on the tape? - This...is...
A Short Film About Killing by the Polish director Krzysztof Kieslowski.
A simple story of a man who kills in the heat of the moment,
then it follows the legal process, culminating in the man's execution,
which is Just as futile as the murder.
And that's the point, really, that killing is wrong.
I've seen it. It's shit.
- Mm. Yes, it is. - Why is it called "Tuesday"?
Uh...
Get after him.
(Growling)
Security! They're on the way.
(Whistling)
(Choking, grunting)
Get the tape. Take it to Mr Cochran.
- (Grunting) - I'll finish off here.
- (Screams) - (2nd man) Oi! Eh!
(Imitating fan noise)
(Whirring stops)
You wouldn't hit a man with glasses?
Come here.
(Groaning)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Hey! - (Groans)
(Yells)
(Panting)
Never mess with an office worker.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Each of these officers being honoured here today
represent the force for good that I want to see in the 21st century.
(Indistinct)
They're all people's policemen.
(Applause)
Come here.
One word and you're dead. Now, where's that tape?
Wait!
- (Simon) Wow! - One punch.
- Here's your money. - Thank you.
- We're climbing that mountain. - Good.
You're all under arrest. Again. Oh, thanks very much.
I was wondering how I'd get hold of that.
Destroy it. You've done the Job for me.
- (Chuckling) - He who laughs last, laughs longest.
- You got a secret plan? - Yes.
- And what's that? - It's a secret.
Inspector Burton?
- How do I look? - Crooked.
- Have we got a secret plan? - No, we're knackered.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Where are we going? - You tell me.
(Applause)
I'm very pleased today, not Just cos I'm receiving this award,
but also cos after a long time, this uniform still fits.
(Laughter)
(Simon) Uh, excuse me!
Sorry to interrupt, but I have got a gun pointed at this officer's head,
so I'm sure you're aware the procedure is to stay calm,
don't inflame the situation and listen.
OK, my name is Simon Garden. I'm a probation officer.
I have been wrongly accused of murder.
I can't believe there are some people talking at the back.
Shh! Shh!
Please be quiet, or I will shoot her in the head.
Thank you. Right. I am not a murderer.
I know it doesn't look good, but I'm not capable of murder.
I don't even know how to fire a gun.
But... Hey, you Just pull the trigger, right?
(Simon) Kirsty?
We borrowed this money today from a bank.
It was in a safe deposit box
in the name of Detective Inspector Burton.
Mr Garden, take the gun away from the young officer's head.
It's OK. I won't pull the trigger... but I might.
Sir, may I?
Explain the money.
This is money that was to be used as bait in a sting
on a drug syndicate I've infiltrated posing as a corrupt policeman.
You Just wasted two years of police time, Simon.
What about the tape?
# They've got the policeman
# The big, friendly policeman
# PC McGarry, number 452 #
What tape?
(Audience gasping)
(Murmuring)
Thank you.
It's a long time since I've said this,
but I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
Sir, I can explain.
(Grunts)
(Screeches, chokes)
Right, now. I've got the gun,
and as you've seen, I will kill if I have to.
While you're there, put the money in the bag, please.
There should be more than that.
- (Kirsty grunts) - Ow!
If you kill me, you'll be a serial killer.
No!
You have to kill three to be a serial killer.
Sorry. That's Just America. It's two here.
Pulling that trigger will achieve nothing. You'll Just look silly.
(Gun clicks)
You need these.
- And these. - Whoo-hoo! Nice one.
All right. This is a police matter.
We'll take over from here.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I'll look after the money.
- Are you going to let me go? - I, uh, I lost the key.
Oh, well, that's all right. George?
No problem.
(Mouthing)
Oh, no. That's a Spear & Jackson spring lock.
You won't be able to get those open till the morning.
(Simon) Colin?
Sorry. It was Just a very beautiful moment.
I'll, um...
Is that, uh...a gun in your pocket?
No, it's my penis.
# I
# I will be king
# And you
# You will be queen
# Though nothing will drive them away
# We can beat them
# Just for one day
# We can be heroes
# Forever and ever
# What d'you say
# I
# I wish you could swim
# Like dolphins
# Like dolphins can swim
# Though nothing
# Nothing will keep us together
# We can beat them
# Forever and ever
# Oh, we can be heroes
# Just for one day
# We can be heroes
# Just for one day #
# Call my name, call my name, call my name, call my name
# Close your eyes
# Give me your hand, darling
# Do you feel my heart beating
# Do you understand
# Do you feel the same
# Or am I only dreaming
# Is this burning
# An eternal flame
# I believe it's meant to be, darling
# I watch you when you are sleeping, you belong with me
# Do you feel the same
# Or am I only dreaming
# Is this burning
# An eternal flame
# Say my name, sun shines through the rain
# Of a life so lonely
# It commandeers the pain
# I don't wanna lose this feeling
# Ohhhh
# Call my name, call my name, call my name, call my name
# Say my name, sun shines through the rain
# Of a life so lonely
# It commandeers the pain
# I don't wanna lose this feeling
# Oh, whoa
# Close your eyes
# Give me your hand, darling
# Do you feel my heart beating
# Do you understand
# Do you feel the same
# Am I only dreaming
# Or is this burning
# An eternal flame
# Close your eyes
# Give me your hand, darling
# Do you feel my heart beating
# Do you understand
# Do you feel the same
# Or am I only dreaming
# Or is this burning
# An eternal flame
# Close your eyes
# Give me your hand, darling # Give me your hand
# Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand
# Give me your hand #